After a long hiatus, which involved many changes and a big move to Indonesia, I am ready to share with you many more stories~ I hope you will enjoy as the journey continues. Share your thoughts, leave comments and stay connected~ and remember that everything is connected.
By Kala Seraphin
Do you remember the first sound you ever heard? For me, it was the sound of my mother crying. My whole world was vibrating with grief and fear. My first heartbeat coincided with her tears. I was upset as well. Her pain was my pain. Soon after, she was throwing up our dinner of cheap noodles and cabbage. She sat down, leaning back, feeling very tired.
“What’s happening to me?” She asked herself, rubbing her eyes. I wanted to shout out I’m coming Mommy! But I knew it was too soon. I didn’t have a mouth or any mental capability to communicate like her. I could only hope she felt me and my love for her.
That night, I fell asleep to the sound her humming. I was comforted by her sweet voice. I sent waves upon waves of love. I knew Mommy felt something because she fell asleep with her hands on her abdomen. The heat reached me and that’s when I knew that everything would be alright.
A week later, I started to see what Mommy saw, even though I didn’t have eyes of my own yet. I noticed what she did and shared her thoughts. She was in a cold bare room. There was a desk covered with papers, pens, a computer and one picture frame with the portrait of a baby boy with a ball, laughing. I wondered if I was going to be a boy. More important, if I would be happy the way people expect themselves to be happy. I heard of their set formulas through Mommy. I was skeptical but willing to try anything with Mommy.
Mommy was nervous, sitting alone in this office. She started to bite her nails and twitching her left leg. I began to pulse with anxiety. I tried to be still because I didn’t want to make Mommy sick again. But she still got nauseous and threw up in the trash bin that was next to the desk. At the same time, a tall woman wearing a white coat came in the room.
“Sorry,” was all Mommy said as she sat back in the chair, wiping her mouth with a tissue. The tall woman smiled stiffly and sat at her desk. She asked Mommy some questions about her body, then about her relationship with other men.
“What I’m trying to say, Miss Linds, is that, well…you are pregnant.” The woman in a white coat had a strong accent that made it difficult for Mommy to understand. The last part was unmistakable. I didn’t like this woman’s tone. It was cold and distant. She was judging Mommy even though she didn’t understand the whole story. All that the lady saw was a young, single, woman in a foreign country that is pregnant. No one knew yet just how special I was.
“About the father…” the woman started. Mommy shook her head. She was trying to invent a lie to make herself look better in the eyes of the tall woman. I felt like that was a waste of energy.
“He’s…I mean we are…were…going to get married.” She didn’t finish though. No one in the room believed the weak story.
Mommy made an appointed to see this woman, Dr. Yoshimi, again. Then, she started to walk, anywhere. She kept her hands on me, and walked through the crowded streets. She was crying again but now she knew why. I also felt disbelief from her. She didn’t want me to be real. I couldn’t understand her resistance since she created me. I tried to convince her that I was real: I’m really here Mommy! I love you! It will be OK! But she chose not to feel my message.
After walking around for so long, I sent sharp messages of hunger. I needed something to keep up my energy. Mommy understood my needs. She went to a small shop and ordered udon noodles. She really loved noodles. She had trouble communicating with the shop owner. Mommy did not know the language very well. I understood it perfectly. This was the same language as my father.
I wondered where my father was. Why wasn’t he helping Mommy? I could feel him, somewhere in the city. He helped to make me, to be so special.
Mommy spent three days in her tiny room without leaving. She cried, and cried then would eat. Sometimes she sat and watched a movie. If there was a family in the movie, she would cry some more. Once, there was a baby. Mommy got so aggravated that she threw her slipper at the image.
I would do my best to vibrate strongly all my love. How could I not? If it wasn’t for her, I would not have the chance to exist in this world. I could not grasp why Mommy chose to ignore me. Didn’t she remember the promise we made long ago?
On the fourth day, we were both startled by the sound of the doorbell. Mommy, wearing sweat pants and a sports bra, went to answer the door. It was Mommy’s friend from school, looking very worried.
“Tara-chan! You look awful! What happened?” Mommy’s friend walked in without waiting for Mommy to respond. She took off her shoes and started to clean the kitchen and boil some water.
“Ayaka-chan…I’m sorry but I just want to be alone for now.” Mommy’s voice was weak and raspy from crying so much.
“Could you at least put on a shirt?” Ayaka fussed around, getting clean tea cups and plates from the cupboard. Mommy sighed deeply and did as she was asked.
Ayaka had a lovely afternoon snack set out on Mommy’s low table. Green tea was served along with cinnamon cookies, fruit tarts and cream puffs. Mommy, now wearing a sweater, knelt down with her friend.
“Three days of hiding here, crying. Not going to you classes, ignoring our calls and messages. All of this after your doctor’s appointment. What’s going on? Are you dying?” Ayaka asked as she served the tea and ate one of the cookies. I wanted to try one but Mommy wouldn’t just yet.
“How did you know?” She asked. Her friend smiled a crooked smile. It warmed Mommy’s heart to be around her.
“I just do,” was her reply.
Mommy finally tried the sweets. I sent her happy, grateful vibes, enjoying the rush from the sugar. After eating three cookies, two tarts and five cream puffs, Mommy finally decided to make me real in her friend’s world.
Ayaka’s tea cup fell to the floor, spilling the tea. She quickly cleaned it up.
“You…have…a baby…in you?” She asked in disbelief. I wondered how come people sounded incredulous when it came to new life.
Mommy sat quietly, sipping her tea. There was a heavy silence that lingered between the two friends as Ayaka finished mopping up the mess. I wished I could understand Ayaka’s thoughts and feelings. If only she could understand how much Mommy needed her support.
“My aunt can help you. I know how expensive medical bills can get,” she finally said. She wrapped Mommy in a hug, leaning her forehead on Mommy’s head. She had tears in her eyes and love in her heart.
“If I was a man, I would marry you right now. But if you knew what the men in my family looked like, you wouldn’t want to marry me. We’ll get through this together, OK?”
Mommy kissed her on the cheek and whispered:
They sat on the floor, in this embrace for a long time. I felt my body thrive on their love. Ayaka placed her hand on me, giggling and said,
“It will be an amazing baby! Now, it is so small. You look like you’re bloated with ramen.”
Mommy giggled as well. Her laughter felt warm and energetic. I wanted more of it.
“What will you do with it? I mean…what are your choices?” Ayaka asked as she laid her head on Mommy’s stomach.
“I can choose to keep it, give it up for adoption or…terminate the pregnancy.”
Both Ayaka and I jerked at the last option. Mommy was crying again and so was her friend.
“Tara-chan! You can’t mean to do that!” Ayaka screamed.
“I don’t know! I’m so scared and alone.” Mommy cried.
“No Tara-chan. You will not terminate this baby. We will find a way, I promise.”
Ayaka staid with Mommy that night. I felt Mommy grow stronger with her friend’s support and so did I.
The next day, Ayaka and Mommy took a train to another city to talk with Ayaka’s aunt. It was fun to see all that Mommy saw. There were so many people that walked the streets. We passed a woman dressed in a lovely dress that looked so heavy! There were flower patterns all over on a golden background. She wore a wide ribbon around her waist with a strange bow on her back. Her skin looked so white and soft that Mommy was very tempted to stroke her cheek. Both Mommy and Ayaka admired this strange looking lady. Then they went to eat green ice cream. I did not like it at all. I was also so tired of all this activity and growing that I slept for the remainder of the day.
It was another two more days before Ayaka finally convinced Mommy to go back to school. Now her days were spent sitting in big classrooms, struggling with the language, writing notes and feeling lost. I tried to help Mommy to understand the language. I sent her a lot of energy but she chose to block me. I think it was because I was too small and she couldn’t really feel me. I never stopped growing and sending her my love.
One night, Mommy was in the library, reading an old book about a man called Confucius, when a group of young girls sat close to her. They started whispering mean things about my Mommy. They judged her and called her names without thinking twice about their words. Mommy could not understand what the girls were saying but she felt that the energy was harmful. She quietly packed her books in her bag and decided to go home. She cried on the train, when the people of her school were far behind her.
Be strong Mommy. I’m here with you. I think she understood my message this time. Mommy’s heart fluttered and she grabbed her stomach. She stopped crying and smiled.
To find out what happens, and for more stories, visit
Stay connected on Facebook
Share your thoughts, feelings, opinions and the story.
Come join the journey~